The Start of My Hormone Therapy
It was on Monday, 18th May 2015, that I officially started my hormone replacement therapy. It was a day I had impatiently but also somewhat anxiously waited for since several months earlier, and more particularly since it had become quite clear in my head that a physical transition from a man to a woman is what I not only desired, but what I was capable of undertaking despite all the odds, and obstacles which it would bring upon me.
In the run-up to this unforgettable Monday I experienced a roller-coaster of emotions, ranging from outright enthusiasm to downright anxiety – two opposite sensations arising on the one hand from the tangible prospect of one day becoming physically a female and on the other hand from the realization of the difficulties and pain that I and my loved ones would be subjected to. It was therefore only somewhat surprising that I did not succumb to a permanent depression of some sort.
But on the main subject, making the long-awaited leap from masculinity towards femininity by starting hormonal treatment was without a doubt a symbolic an ecstatic moment.
It’s been just only two and a half month since that very special Monday, and by now I experience a feeling of serenity, and peace which have descended upon me. I feel unequivocally positive about my treatment, although I must admit doubts surfaced initially in the face of obstacles that I was and continue being confronted with in relation to my transition.
Take for example my recent trip to Belgium which we made as a family. It was a unique occasion to see my wife’s entire family united together during the festive baptism of little Anna, the one-year-old daughter of my sister-in-law. I enjoyed a lot being there, but felt disturbed by the realization that this could be my last trip to Belgium, as a guy, as a husband, as a member of my wife’s family welcomed by her relatives and friends. My mind could not stop painting the painful and dark images of shock, disgust, and rejection which I expected as the most likely response to my “coming out” some day. How wrong have I turned out to be, fortunately. But this is a topic for another post…
Or consider the daunting reality of my having to move out of our home, one that I have come to love like one loves his or her child. I have put a great deal of effort, along with my beloved partner, into creating a warm, comfortable and beautiful nest for us and our children, in the hope to live there for many years while seeing our children grow through their childhood and adolescence. And yet, as things stand today, my transition is quite likely to put me on the side-line of our home, not just by removing my physically from our house, but possibly detaching me emotionally from my children and my wife. And while I hope these negative outcomes will not materialize, it is anything but sure how things will evolve in the coming months and years. I suppose my partner and I must remain friends, united by the history of our living together as a couple, and by the sympathy, respect and love we must continuously strive to carry for one another. Surely, this will not be an easy task but I have a warm feeling about it, and this is a good thing.
As for the hormones, well they will gradually change me physically and emotionally. To start with, my male libido has disappeared completely in the matter of weeks, a very welcome change, and one which once and for all validated my trans-identity and gave a boost to my emerging womanhood. And then, there are the physical changes that I can anticipate such as the thinning and smoothing of my skin, the loss of weigh due to decreasing muscle mass in my chest and shoulders, the arrival of body fat and its redistribution across my body that will round my edges making me distinctively different from men. Wow, the thought of it excites me, like nothing else in the world.
But I must admit I fear these changes somewhat, for they will mark a definite passage of manhood – the period when I have shown myself to lead a vibrant and in many ways a very successful life. I keep wondering whether I will be able to replicate that vibrancy and success in my future life, one that I must re-build almost from scratch?
And then there is the illusive happiness, which I have searched for my entire life. Can I at last realize it, by becoming the true self, no longer suffering from the cognitive dissonance and stress associated with my trans-identity? Well, I’d like to think yes but time is needed to prove me right…